Understanding accountants 101

Accountants – Take One
Two accountancy students were walking across the College grounds when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?”
The second accountant replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.”
The first accountant nodded approvingly, “Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn’t fit.”

Comprehending Accountants – Take Two

An architect, an artist and an accountant were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The accountant said, “I like both.”
“Both?” Questioned the others.
The accountant replied “Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done.”

Comprehending Accountants – Take Three

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the accountant, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Comprehending Accountants – Take Four

An accountant was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess”.
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week”.
The accountant took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want.”
Again the accountant took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess; that I’ll stay with you and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”
The accountant said, “Look I’m an accountant. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that’s f*ckin awesome.”

Comprehending Accountants – Take Five

A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position of Divisional Manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, “What is two and two”?
The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was “twenty-two.”
The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a calculator and showed the answer to be between 3.999999 and 4.000001.
The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v. Commr of Stamp Duties (Qld), two and two was proven to be four.
The last applicant was an accountant. The businessman asked him, “How much is two and two?”
The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door, closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, “How much do you want it to be?”
He got the job.

What’s the definition of an accountant?

Someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.

What’s the definition of a good tax accountant?

Someone who has a loophole named after him.

What’s an extroverted accountant?

One who looks at your shoes while he’s talking to you instead of his own.

What’s an auditor?

Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

Why did the auditor cross the road?

Because he looked in the file and that’s what they did last year.

How do you drive an accountant completely insane?

Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a roadmap the wrong way.

What’s the most wicked thing a group of young accountants can do?

Go into town and gang-audit someone.

What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don’t?

Depreciation.

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.

“Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night.”
“Have you tried counting sheep?” asks the doctor.
The accountant replies, “That’s the problem – I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it”